suffering
by uptightcrankyshadownet
Summary: ... is not forever, whatever Amanda once told her. Second chapter not that related to the first but in the same angsty category.
1. Chapter 1

Amanda once told her that.

"Suffering is permanent. Obscure, and dark, and shares the nature of infinity. Do you want to suffer, Nikita? Or do you want to let us help you?"

Suffering is permanent. Of course. It is one of the very few things Amanda told her that she still believes. That's why, even now, as she remembers standing over Amanda's corpse and knowing the Shop will never rise to power, ever again- now she knows everything can return to normal, if that's how normal is defined… she is breaking down inside.

_Look at an infantryman's eyes and you can tell how much war they've seen. _She's seen too much. Too many innocent lives taken (Emily. Daniel. Sean. Ryan. Birkhoff. Sonya). Too many hearts broken, too many families ripped apart, too many people destroyed from within. Including herself. Ryan, dead after being ambushed by Amanda's goons and shot through. Sonya and Birkhoff, caught in the firefight trying to protect innocent people being trafficked. Michael leaving, because it's too much for him and he's had _enough _and all that he's done will never bring Elizabeth and Haley back to him.

Nikita and Alex have nowhere else to go.

"You have to learn to _let go,_" Alex stresses after snatching a penknife away from Nikita when she catches her about to carve something into her arm. "Nikita, it's over. It's _over, _and nothing's going to change no matter how much you sit here and try to die in their place."

"Don't you think about them? Don't they haunt you, everyone we lost?"

"Yes," She murmurs, sighing. "It haunts me that we lost them. But I don't want to lose another person I love, again. I don't want to lose you too." She leans forward and Nikita lets Alex kiss her, kisses her back, and when Alex withdraws, her voice is hoarse as she says, "It's not that easy."

Alex smiles at her. "Isn't it, though?"

They get moving, once more, and Nikita slides her hand into Alex and wonders if maybe suffering isn't forever after all.


	2. Chapter 2

All Nikita never wants to hear from Alex leaves her lips that day.

"I love you," It sounds so vulnerable, so raw, so profoundly genuine, and Nikita knows Alex means it, means it with all her heart. And it breaks her.

"Nikita." She can sense that something is wrong, and takes a pace towards her. "Nikita... say something. Come on. I know how you feel about me."

"Alex, I-" Nikita presses herself against the wall backfirst, her head tilted back and staring at the ceiling, trying not to meet her eyes. "Alex, stop."

"No." The Russian girl advances forward, moving closer to Nikita with each step. "Nikita, come on, look at me-"

"Stop!" She holds up one quivering hand, her legs shaking, about to give out. "Look, Alex- I can't. I _can't. _I can't give it to you- I can't give you everything you need, everything you deserve. I can't give you a... a _normal _life, without having to constantly load a gun and look over your shoulder and be ready to see the face of hundreds of innocents before your eyes when you shut your eyelids to go to sleep. I can't give you the garden and the dog and the white picket fence. I can't give you your parents back, your childhood back. I can't give you..." Nikita squeezes her eyes shut, trying to blink away the tears. "I can't give you your happily ever after. I _can't._"

Alex pauses in her slow, calm stride, metres away from Nikita's trembling frame. "You're right," She answers, all steel and fire, all defiance and passion. "You can't give me a normal life. You can't give me the stereotypical American Dream. I won't ever wake up on my birthday to see you coming into our bedroom with our two kids with burnt pancakes and a disgusting veggie shake that our kids take no responsibility for. Nothing you do will ever change the fact that my father died because of you and I was a druggie sex slave for years. Our life will always be one haunted with pain and regret and blood on our hands, even if we take Amanda down and give her all we've got and more. When we sleep we'll always have nightmares about Sean and Percy and Thom and Jaden and innocent people like Emily and Daniel and Matthew Graham and Dale Gordon and all the people we've ever killed. All the families we've torn apart. All the hearts we've broken. You're right, Nikita, you can't give me what I need." Alex moves quickly, covers the distance between her and Nikita in a moment, and cups Nikita's cheek in her hand. "You can't give me what I need," She repeats. "But you- and only you- _can_ give me what I want. And whatever you believe, that's more than enough."

Nikita's fingers clamp around Alex's wrist and Alex sees the sparkle of tears in her eyes as her head drops downwards and her sobs become louder, deeper, more hysterical.

And Alex holds her, lets her collapse into her embrace, lets her cry it out. Birkhoff sticks his head in a little later, quietly asks if everything is okay even though he knows it is, now. Everything is finally going to be okay.


End file.
